Ninety Days

Day 2 

Great things are in store! There is an amazing future in front of me.

Yesterday was Day 1, and I did my 10-minute meditation, my one-page creative visualization, and listened to my Joel Osteen recording, and today, I woke up expecting to have a great day and I did! I was productive and experienced a supernatural connection that came out of the blue! I received a call from someone in another state that was referred to me by a person I hadn’t heard from in a while! The person who had referred me is someone who stood me up three times for a meeting! I didn’t think I would hear from her again, and I wasn’t really interested in speaking to her after the third time she had stood me up, but that doesn’t matter: I expected supernatural connections and I got one!  The person she referred me to was great, and I am going to work on a project for them! Can you believe it? I can.

Another great thing about today was that I felt the belief in life, and a knowing that everything is going to be amazing. During today’s meditation I had a revelation…the realization that I have a voice. When I was younger, my father always let it be known that we shouldn’t draw attention to ourselves. We were encouraged NOT to express ourselves. Anything above a relatively low voice would mean that I would be immediately shushed, sometimes rather harshly. He also always, always, challenged anything I ever had to say. I always had to defend my statements, my opinions, anything I said was attacked. So although he meant it as a way to literally challenge us—to help us grow—I wasn’t ready for that as a child and I see how it created in me a sense of verbal and communicative rebellion and aggressiveness. There is a harshness in my communication that I now see perhaps stemmed from that early experience. My father is amazing and great, and the best father in the world. He is a noble, honest, and hard-working man; the best man I’ve ever known. But, he grew up in a boarding school, as did my mother, and the nuns encouraged silence and quiet, uniformity, and this is what I was taught. However, my natural inclination was always just the opposite, so I always rebelled. But when I got older and my father wasn’t always there to shush me, guess what…I shushed myself!

I. SHUSHED. MYSELF!!!!!

I stifled my own voice and any time I have something to say, give an opinion, I seem to do it in a rebellious way. This has affected my ability to go up the corporate ladder and build relationships with powerful people whom I’ve been fortunate enough to meet. I think I’ve always felt that my opinion wasn’t valuable, wouldn’t be listened to, and that I didn’t make a difference to those with authority. Crazy, huh?  And although I’ve had some great jobs, I’ve stayed self-employed by a 3:1 ratio! Three years of self-employment for every one year of working for somebody else. A “rebellious” tone of voice doesn’t sit well with bosses and although I always excelled at my jobs, I often left the company dissatisfied. I even remember that in a seminar I did, someone said I had a “F@!%* You” attitude. That didn’t sit well with me at the time but now I realize it was true. I’m smart, extremely capable, and efficient, and I’ve always wondered what held me back, and now I see it. Clear as day.

When I wasn’t being rebellious, I was busy stifling myself. One of things this “auto-shushing” has caused is that I do not to write for myself, in my own voice. That is, until now.  You see, I’m a professional writer, but I’ve always written for business…copy for brochures, presentations, proposals, media kits, press releases, etc. Always on behalf of someone else. Always in someone else’s voice. But no longer.

I HAVE A VOICE. I have a valuable opinion. I offer insight. I have something to contribute. I wish to contribute to others and allow others to contribute to me with their insight and opinion.

The truth is, I’ve wanted to write a blog about something for a long a time, but because of my belief that no one would be interested in what I had to say, I didn’t dare write a single word in my own voice, representing myself, my views, or my experiences. But, I no longer have this fear of not being heard, or of no one being interested. It’s OK if no one is interested. I’m hoping to contribute to someone by sharing, but mostly, this exercise of writing this very personal experience in a very public venue, is for me. I have a voice and I will use it. And on Day 2, the experience has already proven to be extremely valuable with insights that will change my life forever.

I expect even greater things for tomorrow.