90 Days: An experiment.
My life is a mess. It doesn’t look like it, but it is.
Here are the facts:
I live in my dream city, New York City and I love it here. My family has good health, a good home, and although sometimes they are annoying, there is deep love in our family. My parents are educated, as am I. I have a Bachelor’s degree in Business from a private university. I have very good health, never get sick, and run anywhere between three to four-and-a-half miles, at least three times a week. I live in what is considered a great neighborhood, the Upper West Side. People are educated, well-bred, and relatively quiet. The streets are clean, safe, and peaceful. The building I live in is considered a luxury building, with a doorman, concierge, and security. It sits waterfront overlooking the Hudson River. It’s a beautiful place to live. I am truly, truly blessed. And I know it.
Now, here is what is beneath that:
My job: In 2009, I was laid-off in the midst of the worst recession in U.S. history. I was publisher of a magazine, and worked for a company whose name is known in almost every household in the country. I loved my job, although the politics in the place was stifling and oftentimes, unbearable. I’m not good at politics, but I’m good at my job and what I do. I was doing well with a successful magazine and product re-launch, and higher than expected profits. But people, whole departments, were being laid off. Myself, and three of my fellow publishers were moved from spacious private offices to an open common area shared with order-takers and marketing coordinators. The seven of us had had approximately 500 square feet of space, at most, including files, desks, chairs, etc. It was bad. We knew our heads were on the chopping block, we just didn’t know when the axe would come down. To top it off, my boss was an asshole. I’ve never had to work with such a person. He outright lied, manipulated, and flaunted his position and perks while ours were all being stripped away. The stress was so bad, I got hives. Broke out from one day to the next. To give you an idea of what a dick this guy was here is an example of a typical conversation with him the day I went back to work.
“How are you doing today? I heard you got hives,” he said widening lifting his eyebrows a little.
“Yes, I did. It was bad, but I am better now, thank you for asking,” I replied taking out my files, ready to get to work.
“You know, my wife is a doctor. Where exactly did you get them,” he asked.
I sat mouth slightly agape, stumped, not sure what the question had to do with anything or how to answer, plus, I had red blotches still visible on my face and arms. Before I could answer, though, he continued.
“Did you get any here,” he asked taking both his hands and making a little “V” with them, pointing toward his crotch.
Shocked, I just said, “No. Just on my face and arms.” And with that I moved on to the next subject. I knew it was completely inappropriate, but considering the precarious situation I was in, I let it go.
Bottom line: Finally, in May of 2009, the axe came down with anti-climatic force. I was laid-off. HR asked to meet with me via an Outlook invite! We were to meet in the conference room. And so I went, and the fatal blue folder was pushed across the conference room table by the HR Director. I was told I could be present when my entire team was let go. Of course, I opted to be there. They were let go en masse. It was brutal. There were people there who had spent 13 years or more with the company. In any case, we were all casualties. We were told we didn’t have to return to work the next day. I didn’t, but I know others did. I was done, and ready to move on. And I did. Within a week I had a secured a consulting gig, at a monthly rate that equaled less than what I’d made in a week as publisher, but at least, it was something.
In any case, cut to a year and nine months later, and here I am unemployed again with my savings running out. If I run out of savings, I will have to move back to Miami, a city I do not like, and most likely back in with my parents until I find a job. Plus, living in New York, I don’t have a car. I turned in my Mercedes Benz, three years ago when I moved to New York.
Relationships:
I haven’t been in a serious relationship in 10 years, and haven’t gone on a date in about nine months to a year. I lost count. I’m divorced, and prior to my last long-term relationship which lasted three years until I was 29 years old, I had dated steadily, going from relationship to relationship. Guys were literally fighting over me. And after my last relationship ended, I fell in love with a married man. I never pursued it, although we were very close friends, and he fell in love with me, too. I couldn’t be a part of a situation that destroyed a family. He had kids. He had to arrive at that decision on his own. He didn’t, and moved out of the country. We never kissed. Nothing ever happened. But I fell deeply in love with him and mourned the loss for over a year. But since then, even though I’ve been interested in dating, it’s been honestly, sporadic with more one-night stands than anything else. What the hell happened? I have no clue. And if I ever want to have kids, I’m in trouble, you see, here’s the thing, I’m turning 40 this year.
Question: How the FUCK did I get here?
It’s a been a rough few months. I have to tell you. I won’t go into other details, but I’m done with this bullshit. It’s time to create a breakthrough. Although I’ve meditated and envisioned, and prayed, and asked others to pray for me, and created intentions, and vision boards, and the whole f’ing spectrum of things, I have to honestly confess, that it hasn’t been consistent. And the results have been, well, refer to the section above. BUT, I still BELIEVE so I am going to try something different and share my experience with the ethers and give it all I’ve got with concentrated intention and action for the next ninety days.
Here is what I commit to:
· Create a new vision board. Although I’ve created vision boards in the past, this one will be different. I promise I will clean my soul out tonight, and as I am doing with this letter to the Universe, bare all.
· Be honest: Hold nothing back. Be honest with myself and with the Universe. I am tired of the bullshit I’ve created in my own life. I am so full of shit it is incredible. It’s not pretty. In fact, it’s ugly. The truth is ugly, but I am willing to work through all of this.
· Daily gratitude: I will every day give thanks for all of the blessings that I do get to enjoy. As I stated in the beginning of this post, there are many. I am by all means, fortunate.
· Daily creative visualization: Every day I will spend at least one page of writing in my journal a creative vision of what I want my life to be. One page. No less. I will then visualize that creation in my mind through and release into the Universe through meditation.
· Daily meditation and inner sunshine: Every day I will meditate for at least ten minutes. In this meditation, I will envision inner sunshine through a practice I created (with spectacular results when I’ve used it) called “Smiling Meditation” in which I smile, in my meditation creating an inner smile, and inner light, that radiates throughout my body. I envision it reaching out of me in an aura-like fashion.
· Cleaning up the mess. Cleaning up the mess I’ve left behind with people and things. This includes apologizing where needed. This alone will keep me busy.
· Living with integrity. I will restore integrity in my life. This means something different for everyone, I know what it means for me.
· Following through on what I start. I have several projects that I’ve started, which I will put out there. I’ve let them sit, letting people down, not following through. I will now follow through on those projects.
· Writing in this digital diary. I am not a person who shares much. I listen. And listen. My friends complain that I don’t talk enough about myself, so here I go. I promise to share.
· Trying new things and moving in new ways. I notice that I do the same things, talk the same way, behave in the same manner, and have built a world of sameness around me that hasn’t allowed me to break through, just settle in deeper to this same world. THEN, I wonder why everything continues the same without breakthroughs. No more. I am creating new patterns for breakthroughs.
Here is what I want to create:
· Within 20 days: Income at least $15,000 more a year than what I was earning as publisher in 2008/2009. Plus bonus.
· Within 90 days: A relationship with an awesome man who is honest, faithful, loyal, smart, funny, athletic, successful, happy, and attractive.
· Within 90 days: A complete manuscript for my fiction book that is inspired, well-written, fun and interesting to read.
· Within 90 days: An online platform as an author.
· Within 90 days: Run a 5k race.
· Within six months: My manuscript has been accepted by a publishing house and will be published as a book.
· Withinn90 days: Amazing and wonderful breakthroughs that I never imagined! My experience will reach people and make a difference in their lives.
I may add to this list as I go along, but this is what I am creating for now.
Day 1 is tomorrow, Easter Sunday. The day of Jesus’s resurrection. Perhaps it will be the resurrection of me and my life to a better life, the life of my dreams, a life that I actively created, instead of a life that I let create me.
